Truth vs. Shame
“Why can’t I just…”
The screeching energy of the words have rung through my mind for as long as I can remember. Being a man, they hit even harder, bringing me to my physical and metaphorical knees at times.
The deepest wound of the masculine is ‘I’m not enough’.
These words are the self-spoken representation of this wound. It can show up other ways too. Unworthiness, self-disrespect, purposelessness, lack of self-love, unmotivated, scarcity, and self-judgement to name a handful.
Six weeks ago, I hired a social media team to edit and cut clips from podcast appearances I’ve been on. Three weeks ago, they began posting content for me—three clips, three days a week. The rest was on me.
While doing my research of accounts I follow and appreciate their content, I noticed a pattern of them pinning their story and offerings to the top of their page. It’s an easy access point for people interested in working with you to find out who you are and what you’re offering. I liked the idea and decided I wanted to do it for my own as well.
Yesterday I went to the studio of the guy I was going to work with to shoot this insanely high-quality, perfectly edited, semi-scripted video series about my story, my offerings, and my teachings and philosophy on life. We spent an hour going over the process, setting up the shoot, getting the lighting and framing perfect, testing the audio and video. Now, all I had to do was tell my story—something I’ve done dozens of times on podcasts, with friends, or even to strangers.
Before that day, I had spoken on camera in a studio settings hundreds of times and spoken in front of audiences of thousands. Speaking on camera always came naturally. In fact, I thrived. I would be able to speak on camera for 5-10 minutes straight without losing my train of thought or needing the video to be edited before putting it in the ethers.
Yesterday was none of that. For two straight hours, I struggled to find my words. I struggled telling my own story. My sprinting mind was snared in the traps of perfectionism, hook-lines, transitions, and scripted-story mode. The entire experience felt like I was watching it happen, out of body in a way. Halfway through the recording attempts, I had a wave of anxiety come over me I haven’t felt in years. I was forced to remove myself from the room and find a spot outside to catch my breath.
“Why can’t I just fucking do this? Why can’t I tell my story? Why can’t I do this right? I’ve done it hundreds of times!! Why can’t I be better, do better, be more perfect, say the right things? WHY CAN’T I JUST BE GOOD ENOUGH?”
Three hours into the four-hour time block and after paying $500 for no work completed, I left. Nothing recorded and nothing to show for the money.
When I got home, I dropped into a 2-hour long cannabis meditation to be with this part, speak to this part, and feel this part. What it said, I heard very clearly.
I’m so fucking tired of living life based on what I think I’m supposed to be doing—being who I think I should be—all at the sake of my soul.
How often do you do the same?
The irony of this situation is the very story I am telling is how I spent 18 years living a life of addiction and numbness because I was living a life that wasn’t true to who I was or how I felt. Then, in trying to tell this story, I was confronted with the very part that was still living in the story that prevented me from being able to recall the story. Wild.
The truth is, I don’t give a shit about the high-end, overly produced content. It doesn’t feel like ME. It was the old version of me, but not who I am now. Not who I desire to be in this moment. I’m so fucking tired of trying to figure out an algorithm and do things the “right” way, the “expert” way. The me now wants to start recording on my phone in my underwhelming home office while smoking a joint in the energy I would be in if I was talking to my best friends.
The experience I had in the studio showed me I was out of alignment; again. It was the part of me that was expressing how he used to feel in my old life, living by the decisions of others and directing my life based off what I I should have been doing; be it societal, parental, religious, or cultural programming. Detached, dissociated, and numb from my own desire and direction.
Anxiety, depression, lack of flow or creativity, unmotivated, purposeless, stress, unhappiness, numbness, distraction—these are all powerful signals showing you you’re out of alignment. You’re not living your life based on YOUR truth.
The part that says “why can’t I just…” is my shame exposing itself. The shame I took on as a child and made my own. The shame that leads me from the shadows and makes decisions based off other people’s expectations and desires.
The shame is the lie. The truth is the antidote.
And the truth is, I’m built for this shit. I have spent the last 7 years of my life going DEEP into my inner world. Deep into my shadows, parts, traumas, and psyche. Deep into my thoughts, actions, behaviors, and limiting beliefs. Deep into my purpose, alignment, sovereignty, and how to be of service in this world. I have an unquenching thirst to find and transmute every single part of me that isn’t free. Finding the parts of myself that still get triggered, fearful, or anxious has become a kink, welcoming any aspect of my being that wants to present an opportunity for me to continue evolving and growing. This work has led to me feeling that nothing outside of myself has power over me. That is freedom.
The work I’ve done has equipped me to guide men down this path. Not as a coach, guru, or mentor, but as someone that learns from you just as much as I hope to teach. We walk this path together.
If that’s you, let’s talk.